Wake Up!

Last night I set my alarm clock to 6:30am. That is sleeping in from my usual 6:15am (big whoop, 15 minutes...hu?).

Well, I was rudely waken this morning at 6:25am (I know, I know... only 5 minutes, why am I complaining? Well, when sleeping in is 15 minutes, 5 minutes is a lot!) by our smoke detector. No worries, our house wasn't on fire. The battery is just dying. So it beeps. At random times. Maybe 7-8 times. Maybe just once and then it will stop for several days. 3am... 6Pm...You never know. It is really annoying! (I know, we could just change the batteries... but that would require going to the store to buy batteries. Who has time for that?!)

This has been going on for a 2-3 weeks.

But the funny part of all of this is that the dog we are sitting (We've had Chopper again all last week) is SO afraid of this high pitched beep.

Now, Chopper is a great dog... very obedient, usually very calm. He follows us, ok he follows me, around the house. The only time he is upstairs is if I am.

However, this morning (while I was lying awake in bed) I hear him running upstairs... jingle jingle jingle of his collar tags. Then he promptly jumps right onto the bed and lays right next to me. He has never jumped onto the bed. We won't let him. But today he did. And he wouldn't get off. I yelled. I pushed (just a little... I am not abusive!!!). He just rolled around on and around me. Poor little guy was afraid of the beeping!! He was shaking and whining a little.

For the rest of the morning he was spooked. The detector beeped off and on this morning. I was sitting on the computer trying to study for my Japanese Art History test this morning (WHY?! Why did I pick such a hard class???) and any time there was a beep, he was practically sitting in my lap.

I can only image what he is going through while I am here at work (yes, I know...once again blogging when I shouldn't be!) and he is at home all alone.

Poor Choppy!

Just when I start to think...

It is funny how it happens.
Okay, maybe not funny.
Interesting. Maybe?

The moment I start to think good thoughts about the situation with my parents, Satan rains on my parade.

As I was sitting at Harvest Call (training for LST), I started to think about the amazing time I had in Japan. I shared my life, my faith, my struggles with these people and I made some amazing connections because of it. I shared how much I struggled and they did too. I shared how I've become a stronger, wiser person because of it. My experience this past summer would have been completely different if I wasn't going through this... God used me in an amazing way, to reach out to people who also struggle.

It put a smile on my face.
I realized that I should be praising God for my struggles. I realized that I wasn't even letting God in as much as I should. People have been praying for me and my family. So many people. I get told just about every Sunday. I've gotten emails from friends, sending me helpful links. And it has encouraged in ways I cannot put into words. But how much have I been lifting it up? Not enough.
Why?
Well, because I am stubborn. I can do it on my own. Because really, I have had to do many things on my own since about high school. Actually, probably middle school (Yea, it is called Middle School in the northwest, not Jr. High).

So tonight I came to this realization. And I felt good (not about the lack of prayer on my end). I felt like I at least came to an understanding of my situation and what I need to do about it. Like it wasn't the end of me. I still don't feel that way, but I do feel robbed of my brief feeling of happiness.

Of course I get a call from my mom. There is a problem with my brother. He took the car keys from my mom's purse and took off, only saying "I'll be right back". An hour later, he is still out... license less, insurance less, and warrant out for his arrest in another state. If he gets pulled over, he will be arrest and the car will be impounded... of which there is no money to bail him or the car out (car being most important). And this is the only running car my parents have. My mom does work.

The problem aside, I feel like I was robbed. That Satan just snatched that good feeling away. He knew I was feeling good and he hated it. He wants me so much to be depressed about this. He wants me to feel like there is no hope. He wanted me to keep pushing God away.

Well I am here to say that he will not win. No sir. I am not going down without a fight. With the help of my friends, my husband (what a great husband he is!), and God... I will make it through. I will not be depressed. I will continually praise God... knowing that He will always be there for me and that He will not give me anything that I cannot handle. I will not loose hope.

Never give up, Never surrender! (-Galaxy Quest...That was a horrible movie, I know.)

GO BEAVS!

Yea, it is 11:32pm. I am usually in bed at 10:00pm. But there is no way I would pass up the opportunity to watch the Oregon State Beavers upset number 1 ranked USC!

What an awsome game! I mean the defense! And the little 5'6 running back that no one could tackle! I mean really! 27-21 Beavs!

And now, I have no voice...

And that is it.

Can I Please Get a Break?!?

Leisha Norwood asked me about my parents the other day. I told her things were about the same. She had mentioned to me that there are several people at church who are dealing with family members who have Alzheimer's. She specifically recommended Beverly Adibi (spelling?) because she might know more about getting help from associations, medicare, and things like that.

So Sunday after services, I found Beverly and told her about my dad. She asked about my mom and how she was dealing with it... I flat out told her that she was basically gone psycho (of course not in those words). She then told me something that really gave me some relief. It is semi-normal. Spouses of someone going through a big change sometime take it really hard. Yea, I know that... DUH. Well, she told me that her parents sort of reacted the same way when they first started going through Alzheimer's. *Sigh of relief* Right at that moment I felt almost normal. There is a glimmer of hope for me and my family... and we are not the only ones who are completely dysfunctional!

My little bubble was popped at about 7pm that night.
My dad called.

He wanted me to come over so we could talk. What now? Well, he started to tell me about something that happened earlier that day. My mom and dad were going somewhere. My dad was taking his time trying to get into the car, he is a little slow. My mom was impatient and started to "help" him in... by pushing him and shoving him in! What?! He didn't get to finish the story because my brother was in the room and said something like... "Oh come on."

And speaking of my brother. At one point on the phone I heard an "oomf" from my dad. I asked what had happened and he said my brother had hit his stomach... and of course my brother shouted in the background, "No... I patted your stomach". Well, I don't think a pat would knock the wind out of someone.

I want my dad out of that house!! He is not only being emotionally abused, but physically too!

I found out my mom is doing some kind of counseling on how to deal with Alzheimer's in the family, among other things. She is more then halfway through her sessions, only 3 more left, and I don't think it has changed a thing!

Jake was in the car with me when I was talking to my dad. I explained everything to him and he said if I wanted to move my dad in with us. Well, I'd like that more then him staying with my mom! So he told me to call Alzheimer's Association or someone like that to find out about hospice care. So that it kind of my plan today. Just to call and find info about different options.

I was thinking about all the things that need to be done if my dad was to live with us. Man, that would be rough. Our house has a bad floor plan for that. All our bedrooms are upstairs along with the showers. It would be rough for him to walk up and down. He needs rails in the tub to help him in and out. We would need to be getting some extra money to help support him... we struggle with out food budget with just us two. My mom would resent me for forever. What about my brother? They probably be coming over all the time.

I don't know. I don't even know if he wants to live with us. He was a little hesitant when I mentioned it the other day. And I don't even know everything that happened. So I guess I just have to wait and see what he has to tell me. Jake and I are planning a trip up there today. He isn't letting me go on my own... which is probably pretty smart.

Well, at least I got that little break of 7 hours thinking that my life was semi-normal!

Destination- Procrastination

Do you like the new look of my blog? It was inspired by Andrea's new "facelift".
Of course, I took the time to do all of this when I have a ton of homework to do. Isn't that the best time to spruce up a blog? For some reason I feel extra creative when I am procrastinating! :o) Now if only I could put that energy into digital design class! Ha ha.

Poor George

So for clay class, I have been working on a hollow clay form. Our teacher showed us an example... he hollowed out an oval shape and then a long skinny tube. His example gave me the inspiration for George... George the Giraffe.

Meet George, he is a nice fellow...quite and shy, but very friendly.

The problem with George is that I've been over-working him. He is stressed out! So stressed, his legs are breaking. :o( Hopefully I can repair him tomorrow morning in class with some special bandage-slip. And then finish him up with more spots!

And now my kitchen table is officially a disaster zone... clay EVERYWHERE! Jake isn't too happy about it. :o/

Also, here is my self portrait. Can anyone tell what I am feeling?? (sorry for the glare...)

My Bi-annual Breakdown

I usually break down once a semester. It usually happens towards the middle to end of the semester when all of the sudden everything is due and I have 3 big tests. It mainly happens because I start thinking of all the things I have to do and overload my brain. Then, Jake has to take my hand, pet my head and tell me everything will be alright, just take one step at a time. And with a deep breath, I usually calm down. No biggie. :o)

Well, I had my semester break down last week... in the third week of school! What? Yea. So this week I have been out of touch with the world (I haven't seen anyone in forever or read many blogs...sorry). I've been hiding in our house, trying to finish all these art projects... self portrait for my painting class, several pots for clay, and a story board for digital design. On Tuesday night, as I was sitting at the computer (for what seemed like hours), struggling with Photoshop. It doesn't help that I am exhausted from waking at 6a, M-Th. So I just started crying.

Work... school...art projects...I have to clean the house at some point, it is a mess! There are still boxes everywhere from moving... there are dishes in the sink, there are walls to be painted, and furniture to paint. What is for dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking. How long do I have sit at the computer and work on this?! This is due at 8am tomorrow! Jake is going to need to use the computer later. I want to sleep. I still need to finish my painting. Blah blah blah blah.

Why do I do this to myself? I start thinking of all the things I need to do and freak myself out. But if I just take one step at a time, one project at a time, and manage my time well...everything will work out fine.

But Agh! I am ready to be out of school. I want to be able to come home, sit on the couch and not worry about all the things I need to do for school. Ah, to be able to leave school at school and come home to relax.

I did get my work done this week/weekend but it came at an expense. I stressed out so much about everything that I got myself sick. Sniffles, coughing, congestion, etc. It is wonderful to wake up at 6am and feel sick also! :oP

So here's to my bi-annual breakdown becoming more of a regular thing... at least for this semester. The wonders of art majors and 3 studio classes... 3 hours each. Cheers.

Do Re Me Fa So La Te Do

We started Growth Groups (small groups) for church last night. This year we have a different array of topic groups. After doing "enie minie," Jake and I chose to be a part of the Singing/Devotional group. I was really excited about our decision. I love to singing! At OSU (that would be Oregon State University) our campus college group would go out onto campus at night and sing. We'd stay there for several hours and I would be the one shouting out the numbers of the next song.

Now, saying that... I am NOT a great singer. I wouldn't even say good. Decent. Decent is a good word. And Jake, yea...decent. So, mainly I am expecting to go into our growth group and have a good time, fellowship, and be uplifted by devotional songs. That did happen Sunday night, but so did some other things I didn't expect.

We got to the Norwood's house and packed in their living room. After everyone arrived, Tom split us up into sections (Bass, Tenor, Alto, and Soprano). I look over at Jake and he is shaking his head. He doesn't think he sings well so he is mouthing to me that I can stay in this group and he will go to another growth group. Me, being the supportive wife, answer back "What?! You want to sing a solo? Ok, I will tell Tom." :o) He loved that. Anywho, he was nervous... I was not. I love singing!

So we started a couple songs. I sat next to the beautiful Aud Lugo so I could hear her wonderful alto voice (even though she normally sings soprano). About half way through the song I started thinking... man, I kinda suck. I don't know ANY of the alto parts. Then I got to thinking... I don't know very many alto parts at all. What do I do during morning worship? Well... I sing the melody (which is usually the soprano part) but sing it in a lower key... almost like a tenor. I just follow what Tom does. Man, he is too good of a worship leader.

So I didn't sing much. I tried learning the alto part, but it was hard since I sat next to the tenors and I could hear the sopranos clearly from across the living room. But, it will be nice learning the different parts to sing during worship. Well, at least I am still being lifted up, that is all the matters... right? :o)

It will never be the same again

I haven't spoken to my mom ever since our argument. I've talked to my dad several times, but not my mom. I have this feeling that our little fight wasn't like the many we've had before... sure this time she didn't spit on me (which she did earlier this year) but still. Some how I know that things will never be the same again.

I've always tried to understand my mom and be sensitive to her problems. If there was ever anything going on at home, we would go out and spend some girl time together... I'd take her to the gardens that she loved so much, we'd go shopping, to the art museum, I took her around Dallas and Ft. Worth so she'd get used to living in Texas, I'd stop by to see her at work, etc. etc. etc.! I love my mom... still do...respect her because she is my mom, but that is it. I've lost all respect for her as a woman, a Christian, and even as a person. And I just don't think I can have the same relationship or same respect for her.

You think that is bad of me? I feel like I should pull the "Christian" card and tell myself that I need to be nicer to her because she has her own emotional problems. I should suck it up and be the bigger person. I feel like I need to be her friend because she doesn't have many. I feel like I need to support her through this rough time because we are family. But I also know it is not my responsibility. But where do I draw the line? And when do I say, my sanity is more important... my future is more important, I don't need you as an example of what kind of wife/woman to be so I don't need to be around you as much.

I called my dad today because I haven't heard from him in a while. We talked for about half an hour, and it was the same 'ol same 'ol. He was afraid of my mom having control of all the money because he doesn't know whats going on. He also talked about going away. He has talked a lot about up and leaving, going back to Oregon or vacationing til he dies in Florida. Then he asked me if I would take my mom in while him and my brother go away. HA HA. That was a big fat NO.

I feel bad for my dad, because I know he just wants to live out the rest of his days in peace... enjoying life... not being yelled at, cursed at, and belittled everyday. Heck, that is one of the reasons why I got out of my parents house as soon as I could... there is no way I could put up with their bickering anymore. It is also probably one of the reasons why I got married so young too. So I understand. I don't want him living with that either... but there just doesn't seem to be many other options.

He could move in with us... I wouldn't mind that a whole lot but that would mean that I would have to quit school and work to take care of him full time and I don't really want to post-pone school any longer (Yea 7- year plan!). My mom would have to move somewhere... probably back to Oregon with a family member.
We could put him in a retirement community/nursing home type thing, but that would cost a lot of money... out of his social security income, which is all they have. What would my mom do for money, rent, food, etc? They struggle as it is.
My dad could leave like he keeps dreaming about, taking my brother with him... spending all their money...leaving my mom with none. He probably wouldn't go to the doctor like he should, something would happen to him and we would never know (We moved them to Texas so that they would be closer in case something did happen to him, we could help without it being so stressful).
Or we could do nothing, my mom continues to verbally (and I am afraid it may become physical someday) abuse him, they struggle with finances, and Jake and I have to swoop in and "save the day" every couple months. How horrible of a life is that? Not only for us but for the both of them!

I feel like there is no solution and nothing I can do. I'd love to sit down and talk about it all but there is no way my mom will listen. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong! How can anything change? You know, I am so tempted to call Adult Protection Services and tell them about how she is abusing my dad so something would have to happen... but I know that wouldn't be a solution either. But just the thought, I could do it... my mom is that bad. I could call and they would take him away from her. It is like a parent abusing their child.

Anyway, these are just the thoughts running through my mind today. God definitely has a plan for us and them... He really does. I just don't know what it is. And I really think he is trying to break the cycle with me... after all this, I hope my children don't go through the same things. I do know that because of this, I have become a stronger person. So it is not all in vain. I just wish I knew what to do.

Shleepy

Every morning when I wake up and every evening when Jake comes home, he asks me how I am feeling. My response for the past week and a half has been...shleepy(I add the "h" only because I like to make words sound silly... its a hobby). School has only been in for... one week and two days (and counting... only 80 more days!) and I am already exhausted!

I know that there are a lot of you who wake up at 6am everyday, manage a busy work day among other things, and still come home...cook some dinner and spend time with the fam. How do you do it all? I am ready for bed at 9pm! What was I thinking in having 8am classes Monday-Thursday, I mean really?!? Maybe when we get into the swing of things, it will be better.

This past weekend we were dog sitting for my boss Cherry. Chopper, a very hairy medium sized dog, got to spend several nights at our house. We had a lot of fun playing ball, going for walks, and taking afternoon naps. Chopper and I have been good friends for a while now, seeming how I visit his house at least once a week. However, Jake and Chopper didn't get off to a great start. As soon as Jake came home Thursday night from work, Chopper greeted him at the door with growls. That night as we were getting ready for bed, Choppy laid down on Jake's side of the bed... as if he was guarding the bed! When Jake walked up, Choppy growled as if he was saying "Don't you even think about getting into bed with her!" What a good guard dog! :o)
Chopper later warmed up to Jake, of course after they played catch together at the park
Here is a picture of a dog similar to Chopper:

Now I have to go home a vacuum my whole house of all the black chunks of dog hair.

Saturday we had a fun day. Because I am such an amazing wife (sometimes), I bought my wonderful husband tickets to the Texas vs. Florida Atlantic game. We try to go once a year to a game... usually a non-conference game because conference games are SOOO expensive. If you don't know my husband... he is a BIG Longhorns fan. Which I always thought was a little silly, since he didn't actually attend UT (he graduated from David Lipscomb University and UTA). But... apparently that doesn't really matter.
Jake had a great time... singing all the songs, yelling at the defense to be better against the pass, and eating stadium hot dogs.


Oh and Texas won, 52-10... or something like that.

I don't think I have much else to report right now... and I probably should pay attention to class... yes, I am in class. I know, shame on me. :o)