It will never be the same again

I haven't spoken to my mom ever since our argument. I've talked to my dad several times, but not my mom. I have this feeling that our little fight wasn't like the many we've had before... sure this time she didn't spit on me (which she did earlier this year) but still. Some how I know that things will never be the same again.

I've always tried to understand my mom and be sensitive to her problems. If there was ever anything going on at home, we would go out and spend some girl time together... I'd take her to the gardens that she loved so much, we'd go shopping, to the art museum, I took her around Dallas and Ft. Worth so she'd get used to living in Texas, I'd stop by to see her at work, etc. etc. etc.! I love my mom... still do...respect her because she is my mom, but that is it. I've lost all respect for her as a woman, a Christian, and even as a person. And I just don't think I can have the same relationship or same respect for her.

You think that is bad of me? I feel like I should pull the "Christian" card and tell myself that I need to be nicer to her because she has her own emotional problems. I should suck it up and be the bigger person. I feel like I need to be her friend because she doesn't have many. I feel like I need to support her through this rough time because we are family. But I also know it is not my responsibility. But where do I draw the line? And when do I say, my sanity is more important... my future is more important, I don't need you as an example of what kind of wife/woman to be so I don't need to be around you as much.

I called my dad today because I haven't heard from him in a while. We talked for about half an hour, and it was the same 'ol same 'ol. He was afraid of my mom having control of all the money because he doesn't know whats going on. He also talked about going away. He has talked a lot about up and leaving, going back to Oregon or vacationing til he dies in Florida. Then he asked me if I would take my mom in while him and my brother go away. HA HA. That was a big fat NO.

I feel bad for my dad, because I know he just wants to live out the rest of his days in peace... enjoying life... not being yelled at, cursed at, and belittled everyday. Heck, that is one of the reasons why I got out of my parents house as soon as I could... there is no way I could put up with their bickering anymore. It is also probably one of the reasons why I got married so young too. So I understand. I don't want him living with that either... but there just doesn't seem to be many other options.

He could move in with us... I wouldn't mind that a whole lot but that would mean that I would have to quit school and work to take care of him full time and I don't really want to post-pone school any longer (Yea 7- year plan!). My mom would have to move somewhere... probably back to Oregon with a family member.
We could put him in a retirement community/nursing home type thing, but that would cost a lot of money... out of his social security income, which is all they have. What would my mom do for money, rent, food, etc? They struggle as it is.
My dad could leave like he keeps dreaming about, taking my brother with him... spending all their money...leaving my mom with none. He probably wouldn't go to the doctor like he should, something would happen to him and we would never know (We moved them to Texas so that they would be closer in case something did happen to him, we could help without it being so stressful).
Or we could do nothing, my mom continues to verbally (and I am afraid it may become physical someday) abuse him, they struggle with finances, and Jake and I have to swoop in and "save the day" every couple months. How horrible of a life is that? Not only for us but for the both of them!

I feel like there is no solution and nothing I can do. I'd love to sit down and talk about it all but there is no way my mom will listen. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong! How can anything change? You know, I am so tempted to call Adult Protection Services and tell them about how she is abusing my dad so something would have to happen... but I know that wouldn't be a solution either. But just the thought, I could do it... my mom is that bad. I could call and they would take him away from her. It is like a parent abusing their child.

Anyway, these are just the thoughts running through my mind today. God definitely has a plan for us and them... He really does. I just don't know what it is. And I really think he is trying to break the cycle with me... after all this, I hope my children don't go through the same things. I do know that because of this, I have become a stronger person. So it is not all in vain. I just wish I knew what to do.