Sapphire Valley, NC

We made it and it is awesome!

What great views!! Granted, there isn't any snow...but there is FAKE snow!! YAY! Tubing opens Tuesday ( hopefully) and there are trips up to the slopes. Tuesday we are hoping to take a trip to The Biltmore House... Jake says its the "thing" to go and see here in Western NC, but 3 hours touring a house? Ok... :o)

Granted... my foot still hurts and I am still sneezing and having the yucky nose, but it is hard not to love the scenery and be relaxed out here.

YAY for vacation!

I forgot...

6.) My first official shift back at the YMCA starts at 5am tomorrow... technically have to be there by about 4:45am. Boo.

Really the end.
6:43pm

Pity Party, Table for One Please

Yes... it is true, I am going to blog a pity post... poor poor me...pity me. Well not really, y'all don't have to pity me, it is a party for one.

1.) The soul of my right foot has been hurting for the past couple days. It has hurt like this before but only for a couple hours... never for this long. I've gone to the doctor for it, but there were no answers. It hurts to walk or just to move around my foot. I think it could be something like a stress fracture.

2.) I have a sore throat. :o( Don't sound all too bad but just keep reading.

3.) Hormones... early. A week and a half early. Boo.

So... all these things, not so much for one to be so upset about...under normal circumstances, BUT
Friday Jake and I are leaving for a nice long week long vacation...alone...just the two of us... in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. It was hopefully going to be full of snow fun, maybe some snowboarding or tubing, mountain biking, lots of laughs, snuggling, and maybe some football.
Well, if my leg continues to hurt...maybe no snow fun. If we (Jake also has a soar throat and nose yuckiness) continue to get sick... we will be probably only be snuggling up with a blanket, tissues, and cough drops. I guess there is always football... :oP

4.) It seems like the only I emotion I have for my parents is anger... for all they do and don't do. I think I need therapy.

5.) I'm cold. I hate being cold.

That is all for my pity party. Just need to vent.
Hopefully it will be done all in vain and that our week ends up great!
Party officially over... 4:42pm.

Car Issues

I didn't blog about the car problems my parents had last month. Mainly because it was so stressful I didn't want to re-live it.
So to summarize, my mom's car broke down (the one she bought 6 months earlier). Jake and I ran around like chickens, minus the head, trying to "fix" the situation.
And far the past month my mom has been driving around their other car, which is very old and unreliable.
Well, yesterday that car finally bit the dust.

So now we are left with no other choice. I gave up my little Mitsy Coke Can to my mom and Jake and I have become a one car family.
Ugh.
This means I get up every morning at the same time as Jake, get ready for the day, drive Jake to work, and then head to school (usually 30 mins early). I then have to wait until he gets done with work and pick him up, which right now isn't so bad because I am at school late anyway catching up for finals next week. AHH!

Jake and I aren't ready just yet to by another car. We've been saving money but it is difficult around the holidays. We forget we have presents to buy, parties to go to, dinners, etc.

We are thinking that in January we might be able to get a car for me... but until then, it is 6am for me! (Even while I am on vacation week after next and Jake is still working!) YIPES!

Things I'm Crazy For...

Bookshelves!

I wish I could have walls and walls of bookshelves! I need a house with a huge library! I want to put a shelve in the kitchen to put cooking books, china, etc. Ooh bookshelves.

And

Plates...

I wants fun looking plates to go up on my wall in the kitchen. So far, my collection consists of 3 plates. :o)

Sleeply Sleep... SLEEP SLEEP!

Oh sweet sleep. Sweet sleep that I did not get because I had a cup of Starbucks at 10pm... drats. That darn Starbucks. The good news... while I was lying in bed, not sleeping, I came up with a made-of-honor toast for my beest friend's wedding in March. Ha ha. And another one for a friend who isn't even engaged. Hmmm... the things you think of when you can't sleep.

And the about the title... thats what I chant to Jake when it is late and I want him to come to bed with me. Ha ha.

I'm in Shock!

Tonight was a very fun night. Despite the cold. Burrr!! I don't do cold well.

My Japanese Art History teach, Dr. Ingrid Furniss (what a name, hu?), was giving a lecture at the Crow Collection of Asian Art in Dallas. She talked about Chinese and Egyptian burial and funeral traditions... pretty interesting stuff! It was extra credit to go, so I dragged Jake to the arts district tonight. We had a good time... walking around the exhibit, making fun of the funny looking statues. It was cold outside so we bundled up tight and walked closely while going out the the car. Being in the arts district made me feel... well artsy. Soooo, after the lecture we went to....

STARBUCKS!

Now, if you know my husband... you know he has a passion for NOT going to Starbucks... in fact, he enjoys making fun of the company and complaining about the high priced coffee. I don't think he has even gone into a Starbucks without a gift card in hand. I mean actually PAYING for Starbucks coffee? Yea right! Well, surprise surprise! We went in and ordered fancy stuff... Chocolate Truffle Espresso... Peppermint Mocha Twist (YUMMY!!! I highly recommend). It was very special. Not to mention the holiday flavors. It makes me feel all warm in side (does help that the coffee is warm too...he he).

We sat around talking for a bit, enjoying the drink and the atmosphere. It almost made me thing I could do the downtown living thing. And then I think of the loud honks, the lack of trees, the fast pace of everything... and I come back to earth. But it is nice to live that life every now and then.

In other news... (pretty big news actually)

I put in 2(ish) weeks notice this week. Its hard doing it just once (since I have grown to love each woman I work for)... but I got to resign three times!

It is just one of those things. Economy has slowed down and so has work. Jake and I are trying to save up for things, especially for a new car for me. If you have seen my car... you understand. I drive around a little Mitsubishi Mirage, 1994. They don't even make that kind of car anymore! It is two door, manual, no power steering, no power anything! (window, doors, etc) and the kicker... no A/C! What a great husband of mine to drive it around during the summer.

Anywho... with jobs being so unpredictable it is hard to have a stable income. So I have resolved to going back to the YMCA, life guarding and teaching swim lessons. I feel like it is almost a step backwards. I used to work there before starting work for Leisha. In fact, I was a lifeguard for 5 years. It was my very first job when I was 15-16 years old. I felt like leaving and working for Leisha was a step forward... doing something different, and now I've gone back. But that is probably all just in my head... who cares what I am doing as long as I am making money. Plus, I am not really a real person since I am not out of college yet, he he. And if it isn't all up in my head, I don't care that much because I REALLY REALLY want a new car. I can deal. :o)

I am trying to decide between two different cars. Next time I blog I will post some pictures and conduct a survey to see which one y'all think I should get. :o)

Until then... goodnight!

What a Lubbock Weekend

I was exhausted Sunday after our quick weekend trip to Lubbock for the craft fair. 11-12 hours total spent driving in the car. Yipes!

The craft fair was pretty successful. We learned that people will spend more money on their kids then for themselves. Rachel's kids table and chairs were the first thing to go, and all other furniture bought was for the kid's room! Interesting. So, next time I guess we will be focusing on babies!

We did have a fan of Rachel's buckets... I call him Bucket Head!

Over all it was a success. I do have a couple of pieces left that I will probaby put up for sale on Etsy.

Jake was also there this weekend and such a big help! He stood around, talked to potential customers, and carried the heavy items out to the cars. And he did this all with a smile! What a great husband to go to a craft fair with his wife and not complain... much. :o)

A Few of My Favorite Things...

I have become addicted to a website named Etsy.
For those who do not know what it is, Etsy is a website that was created for people to buy and sell their handmade items.

I have never bought or sold anything there but I like to check it everyday for new items. A lot of the items are expensive, but they are fun to look at! It is a great place to go to to get inspired for new art projects also.

Here a just a few of my favorite items from their showcase.

Strawberry Cheesecake Soap, yummy!

Pretty Purse, love the fabric!

Yellow-y Shirt Dress

Beautiful Earrings

So these are just a few of my favorite things! Check our Etsy and see if you find anything you like... and remember, support the artists!

3 Weeks

Where have I been the past 3 weeks?

Painting!
And doing homework.
And PAINTING!

Rachel and I are vendors at a craft sale this weekend in Lubbock. So we have been painting our rear ends off. Rachel has several pieces of furniture, while I only have two so far and several window panes.

I also have been working on a few pieces for Debra Jackson. She has some furniture she wanted stained and/or painted differently.

So, here are some pictures of what I have so far. I have several more windows to paint this week! Ah!

Before

After

Another Piece

Matching Window Pane

Bird on Branch

Flower Window Pane

Zebra Print Storage Box

Debra's 3 Drawer Dresser

So that is about it for now. Hopefully I will get a lot more done this week.

Unmotivated

Recently I have been extremely unmotivated to blog.
There are so many other things to do...like school work, paint for the craft show, or just sit on the couch and veg out. The latter one being of choice.

So much has happen the last couple weeks... drama with the family, big painting projects due, holidays, etc. But of course... I am still finding myself unmotivated to blog about any of it. Maybe I will post some pictures later.
Ah... Later. Does later really ever come? Or if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to see it or hear it, does it make a noise? What is the sound of one hand clapping? How about, can you catch a catfish with a gord? Random.

Anywho, my mind isn't quite functioning right now. I am exhausted. But here, I will leave you all with this short animation I made in my digital design class. Watch it... it is only about 45 seconds long. :o)

Ode to Jacob

33 years ago today, October 20th, at 3:30pm, a wonderful miracle happened... Jacob (Jake, Jakey, Jocobo) Robert (Rufus) Wilson (Mr. Wilson) was born.

Now, I know Jake doesn't actually read "our" blog, but I thought I'd give him a "shout out" anyway. He is just a wonderful husband, friend, and human being. But, I won't go on about all this qualities and will just say...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!

And for fun...

Today on this date...
1803- The U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase.
1859- John Dewey, the influential American philosopher, was born.
1931- Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle was born in Spavinaw, Okla.
1968- Former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy married Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis.
1992- In the first World Series game to be played outside the United States, the host Toronto Blue Jays beat the Atlanta Braves 3-2.

People who share Jake's birthday:

Snoop Dogg (Calvin Broadus)Rapper
Jim SonefeldRock musician (Hootie & The Blowfish)
John KrasinskiActor ("The Office")
Mickey Mantle10/20/1931 - 8/13/1995American professional baseball player
William ChristopherActor ("M*A*S*H")
Tom PettyRock singer, musician

Update

It has been about a week since I've blogged, so I thought I'd give a quick (ok, semi quick) update to what we've been up to.

1.) Two weekends ago, Jake and I took a much needed getaway. We drove to Holly Lake Ranch,
about 30 miles north of Tyler. It was beautiful... trees, hills, lakes, wildlife... so peaceful, so quite. Of course until football comes on. :o) We spent the weekend walking the nature trails, picking pine cones (because someday I may use them in some crafty project), paddle boating on the lake, searched for alligators, napping and playing putt putt. After all that fun we sat down to watch the Texas vs. Colorado game.
Overall it was nice to spend time together, relaxing.



2.) Thursday we had my parents over for dinner. For once it was semi-normal... which for us is abnormal. However, my parents did inform me that my brother was flying back to Oregon. Apparently he has a friend there who is paying for the plane ticket and has a job for him. Interesting. This is good news, very good news. That is, if it actually happens. My family is notorious for saying something and going back on in. But, this way he can take care of his warrant (yes, he has a warrant for his arrest in Oregon... therefore he can't get a job until it is paid off or time is served) and possibly learn some responsibility.
This is also good for my parents, since they fight a lot with and about my brother and it frees up some money for them.

3.) I went to Oklahoma City this past weekend. My best friend Ashley is getting married next spring, so we went wedding dress shopping! We had a grand time trying on pretty dresses. I think she looked like a yummy cupcake in one of the dresses.

Another plus was that I got to escape the Texas vs. OU weekend, and all the madness that comes with it. The trip there and back was wonderful, mainly because traffic was flowing the opposite way and I could be a speed demon since all the cops where also sitting on the opposite side. Although, I was a little scared for my life traveling through Oklahoma after Texas upset the number 1 ranked Sooners. I was driving in Jake's truck, which if you don't know is covered in longhorn stickers. I got honked at and stared at... I also did have the urge to just hide the truck in a garage somewhere and carpool with Ashley. But I did get home safely.

4.) Sunday afternoon, after returning from OK, the Varneys, the Wilsons, and Andrew & Laurel went to the state fair! We walked around for several hours, watching people, shows and just enjoying the atmosphere. We did get to try fried guacamole (that was interesting), chicken fried bacon (YUMMY!), and a fried s'more. Jake and I walked around in search of the fried banana split, but to no avail... it was no where to be seen. So sad. We will just have to wait til next year to see what kind of fried food they will come up with next. Yes, we live in Texas alright.
We stopped at the petting zoo and saw some fun animals! Look, its George the giraffe! :o) Also, I had to put in the picture of the 4 horned goats... because they are called Jacob's 4 horned goats. Jake got very excited. He loves his name... thinks it is the best in the world. So when we saw the goats, he said they made the whole trip worth it. Yipes.




Thats all the update.

Way To Go, Tanya!

It was pouring rain outside at about 4am today and it is still raining a little.
This means the roads are wet outside... which means people drive really slow and crazy. Knowing this, I left home a little early this morning. The whole way I was worried about someone rear ending me.

I have a fear of getting in car crashes. I have been in a couple, nothing major. A couple semesters ago I was rear ended...ever so slightly. But I can always hear the sounds... the metal crunching up, the screeching of the tires.... ahhhh. It freaks me out.

Anywho, I did make it to school just fine. Although, I did have some other problems.

It took me a little bit to get out of the car... it was raining so I hard to first get the umbrella open and over the door. I grabbed my purse and tried getting my backpack out. My backpack is really heavy and I have to lift it over the e-brake in my little coke can car. It wasn't working at the time so I put my purse down on the seat and grabbed my backpack... finally I got it out and started to put in on over my shoulders. At this time, as I am standing with an umbrella in one hand and the other hand working my backpack.

So who is holding the door open you ask? No one. Infact, it closes.
Well... not a big deal right? Just open in. No. I have the habit of locking the door automatically after opening it.
Okay, so just get your keys out. That's a little tough... seeming it is in my purse, that is sitting on the driver's seat!! I LOCKED MY PURSE IN THE CAR!


So, I texted the good ole hubby and see if he can come rescue me. Although he is across town... at work... oh so busy. But at least I have my backpack and can go to all my classes. I also have my lunch. UTA just might become my home today. Luckily I don't have to work today!

Good job Tanya!!!

What did you just say??

I love my husband. He is a great man, very funny, strong, and treats me much better than I deserve to be treated.

Saying that, we had a funny moment on the couch today.
We were watching a couple episodes of Scrubs, putting off doing the laundry. The episode ended and our DVR went to the episodes we have in que, ones we haven't watched yet.

I turned my back to the TV and jumped on top of Jake so he couldn't get up to put up the clothes just yet. I planted a couple kisses on him and he looked at me and said, in a babyish tone, "My Princess".

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
I didn't actually ask. Actually, nothing came out of my mouth... no words. I was in shock. Princess? Did he actually call me Princess? Is he joking? Is the world coming to an end? Did I finally wear him down to see a softer side or did he get hit really hard on the head???

Now you have to know Jake to understand my shock. He is the definition of man's man... He is a football loving, working on the car getting your hands dirty, I bring home the bacon, belching, hairy kind of guy. I doubt he will ever call our daughter "princess"... only because I am sure he is hoping for a tom-boy if we ever have girls.

He saw the confused look on my face and pointed to the TV. The next episode of Scrubs is titled, "My Princess".

Well, I guess the world is not ending.
But we got a good laugh out of that one.

Wake Up!

Last night I set my alarm clock to 6:30am. That is sleeping in from my usual 6:15am (big whoop, 15 minutes...hu?).

Well, I was rudely waken this morning at 6:25am (I know, I know... only 5 minutes, why am I complaining? Well, when sleeping in is 15 minutes, 5 minutes is a lot!) by our smoke detector. No worries, our house wasn't on fire. The battery is just dying. So it beeps. At random times. Maybe 7-8 times. Maybe just once and then it will stop for several days. 3am... 6Pm...You never know. It is really annoying! (I know, we could just change the batteries... but that would require going to the store to buy batteries. Who has time for that?!)

This has been going on for a 2-3 weeks.

But the funny part of all of this is that the dog we are sitting (We've had Chopper again all last week) is SO afraid of this high pitched beep.

Now, Chopper is a great dog... very obedient, usually very calm. He follows us, ok he follows me, around the house. The only time he is upstairs is if I am.

However, this morning (while I was lying awake in bed) I hear him running upstairs... jingle jingle jingle of his collar tags. Then he promptly jumps right onto the bed and lays right next to me. He has never jumped onto the bed. We won't let him. But today he did. And he wouldn't get off. I yelled. I pushed (just a little... I am not abusive!!!). He just rolled around on and around me. Poor little guy was afraid of the beeping!! He was shaking and whining a little.

For the rest of the morning he was spooked. The detector beeped off and on this morning. I was sitting on the computer trying to study for my Japanese Art History test this morning (WHY?! Why did I pick such a hard class???) and any time there was a beep, he was practically sitting in my lap.

I can only image what he is going through while I am here at work (yes, I know...once again blogging when I shouldn't be!) and he is at home all alone.

Poor Choppy!

Just when I start to think...

It is funny how it happens.
Okay, maybe not funny.
Interesting. Maybe?

The moment I start to think good thoughts about the situation with my parents, Satan rains on my parade.

As I was sitting at Harvest Call (training for LST), I started to think about the amazing time I had in Japan. I shared my life, my faith, my struggles with these people and I made some amazing connections because of it. I shared how much I struggled and they did too. I shared how I've become a stronger, wiser person because of it. My experience this past summer would have been completely different if I wasn't going through this... God used me in an amazing way, to reach out to people who also struggle.

It put a smile on my face.
I realized that I should be praising God for my struggles. I realized that I wasn't even letting God in as much as I should. People have been praying for me and my family. So many people. I get told just about every Sunday. I've gotten emails from friends, sending me helpful links. And it has encouraged in ways I cannot put into words. But how much have I been lifting it up? Not enough.
Why?
Well, because I am stubborn. I can do it on my own. Because really, I have had to do many things on my own since about high school. Actually, probably middle school (Yea, it is called Middle School in the northwest, not Jr. High).

So tonight I came to this realization. And I felt good (not about the lack of prayer on my end). I felt like I at least came to an understanding of my situation and what I need to do about it. Like it wasn't the end of me. I still don't feel that way, but I do feel robbed of my brief feeling of happiness.

Of course I get a call from my mom. There is a problem with my brother. He took the car keys from my mom's purse and took off, only saying "I'll be right back". An hour later, he is still out... license less, insurance less, and warrant out for his arrest in another state. If he gets pulled over, he will be arrest and the car will be impounded... of which there is no money to bail him or the car out (car being most important). And this is the only running car my parents have. My mom does work.

The problem aside, I feel like I was robbed. That Satan just snatched that good feeling away. He knew I was feeling good and he hated it. He wants me so much to be depressed about this. He wants me to feel like there is no hope. He wanted me to keep pushing God away.

Well I am here to say that he will not win. No sir. I am not going down without a fight. With the help of my friends, my husband (what a great husband he is!), and God... I will make it through. I will not be depressed. I will continually praise God... knowing that He will always be there for me and that He will not give me anything that I cannot handle. I will not loose hope.

Never give up, Never surrender! (-Galaxy Quest...That was a horrible movie, I know.)

GO BEAVS!

Yea, it is 11:32pm. I am usually in bed at 10:00pm. But there is no way I would pass up the opportunity to watch the Oregon State Beavers upset number 1 ranked USC!

What an awsome game! I mean the defense! And the little 5'6 running back that no one could tackle! I mean really! 27-21 Beavs!

And now, I have no voice...

And that is it.

Can I Please Get a Break?!?

Leisha Norwood asked me about my parents the other day. I told her things were about the same. She had mentioned to me that there are several people at church who are dealing with family members who have Alzheimer's. She specifically recommended Beverly Adibi (spelling?) because she might know more about getting help from associations, medicare, and things like that.

So Sunday after services, I found Beverly and told her about my dad. She asked about my mom and how she was dealing with it... I flat out told her that she was basically gone psycho (of course not in those words). She then told me something that really gave me some relief. It is semi-normal. Spouses of someone going through a big change sometime take it really hard. Yea, I know that... DUH. Well, she told me that her parents sort of reacted the same way when they first started going through Alzheimer's. *Sigh of relief* Right at that moment I felt almost normal. There is a glimmer of hope for me and my family... and we are not the only ones who are completely dysfunctional!

My little bubble was popped at about 7pm that night.
My dad called.

He wanted me to come over so we could talk. What now? Well, he started to tell me about something that happened earlier that day. My mom and dad were going somewhere. My dad was taking his time trying to get into the car, he is a little slow. My mom was impatient and started to "help" him in... by pushing him and shoving him in! What?! He didn't get to finish the story because my brother was in the room and said something like... "Oh come on."

And speaking of my brother. At one point on the phone I heard an "oomf" from my dad. I asked what had happened and he said my brother had hit his stomach... and of course my brother shouted in the background, "No... I patted your stomach". Well, I don't think a pat would knock the wind out of someone.

I want my dad out of that house!! He is not only being emotionally abused, but physically too!

I found out my mom is doing some kind of counseling on how to deal with Alzheimer's in the family, among other things. She is more then halfway through her sessions, only 3 more left, and I don't think it has changed a thing!

Jake was in the car with me when I was talking to my dad. I explained everything to him and he said if I wanted to move my dad in with us. Well, I'd like that more then him staying with my mom! So he told me to call Alzheimer's Association or someone like that to find out about hospice care. So that it kind of my plan today. Just to call and find info about different options.

I was thinking about all the things that need to be done if my dad was to live with us. Man, that would be rough. Our house has a bad floor plan for that. All our bedrooms are upstairs along with the showers. It would be rough for him to walk up and down. He needs rails in the tub to help him in and out. We would need to be getting some extra money to help support him... we struggle with out food budget with just us two. My mom would resent me for forever. What about my brother? They probably be coming over all the time.

I don't know. I don't even know if he wants to live with us. He was a little hesitant when I mentioned it the other day. And I don't even know everything that happened. So I guess I just have to wait and see what he has to tell me. Jake and I are planning a trip up there today. He isn't letting me go on my own... which is probably pretty smart.

Well, at least I got that little break of 7 hours thinking that my life was semi-normal!

Destination- Procrastination

Do you like the new look of my blog? It was inspired by Andrea's new "facelift".
Of course, I took the time to do all of this when I have a ton of homework to do. Isn't that the best time to spruce up a blog? For some reason I feel extra creative when I am procrastinating! :o) Now if only I could put that energy into digital design class! Ha ha.

Poor George

So for clay class, I have been working on a hollow clay form. Our teacher showed us an example... he hollowed out an oval shape and then a long skinny tube. His example gave me the inspiration for George... George the Giraffe.

Meet George, he is a nice fellow...quite and shy, but very friendly.

The problem with George is that I've been over-working him. He is stressed out! So stressed, his legs are breaking. :o( Hopefully I can repair him tomorrow morning in class with some special bandage-slip. And then finish him up with more spots!

And now my kitchen table is officially a disaster zone... clay EVERYWHERE! Jake isn't too happy about it. :o/

Also, here is my self portrait. Can anyone tell what I am feeling?? (sorry for the glare...)

My Bi-annual Breakdown

I usually break down once a semester. It usually happens towards the middle to end of the semester when all of the sudden everything is due and I have 3 big tests. It mainly happens because I start thinking of all the things I have to do and overload my brain. Then, Jake has to take my hand, pet my head and tell me everything will be alright, just take one step at a time. And with a deep breath, I usually calm down. No biggie. :o)

Well, I had my semester break down last week... in the third week of school! What? Yea. So this week I have been out of touch with the world (I haven't seen anyone in forever or read many blogs...sorry). I've been hiding in our house, trying to finish all these art projects... self portrait for my painting class, several pots for clay, and a story board for digital design. On Tuesday night, as I was sitting at the computer (for what seemed like hours), struggling with Photoshop. It doesn't help that I am exhausted from waking at 6a, M-Th. So I just started crying.

Work... school...art projects...I have to clean the house at some point, it is a mess! There are still boxes everywhere from moving... there are dishes in the sink, there are walls to be painted, and furniture to paint. What is for dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking. How long do I have sit at the computer and work on this?! This is due at 8am tomorrow! Jake is going to need to use the computer later. I want to sleep. I still need to finish my painting. Blah blah blah blah.

Why do I do this to myself? I start thinking of all the things I need to do and freak myself out. But if I just take one step at a time, one project at a time, and manage my time well...everything will work out fine.

But Agh! I am ready to be out of school. I want to be able to come home, sit on the couch and not worry about all the things I need to do for school. Ah, to be able to leave school at school and come home to relax.

I did get my work done this week/weekend but it came at an expense. I stressed out so much about everything that I got myself sick. Sniffles, coughing, congestion, etc. It is wonderful to wake up at 6am and feel sick also! :oP

So here's to my bi-annual breakdown becoming more of a regular thing... at least for this semester. The wonders of art majors and 3 studio classes... 3 hours each. Cheers.

Do Re Me Fa So La Te Do

We started Growth Groups (small groups) for church last night. This year we have a different array of topic groups. After doing "enie minie," Jake and I chose to be a part of the Singing/Devotional group. I was really excited about our decision. I love to singing! At OSU (that would be Oregon State University) our campus college group would go out onto campus at night and sing. We'd stay there for several hours and I would be the one shouting out the numbers of the next song.

Now, saying that... I am NOT a great singer. I wouldn't even say good. Decent. Decent is a good word. And Jake, yea...decent. So, mainly I am expecting to go into our growth group and have a good time, fellowship, and be uplifted by devotional songs. That did happen Sunday night, but so did some other things I didn't expect.

We got to the Norwood's house and packed in their living room. After everyone arrived, Tom split us up into sections (Bass, Tenor, Alto, and Soprano). I look over at Jake and he is shaking his head. He doesn't think he sings well so he is mouthing to me that I can stay in this group and he will go to another growth group. Me, being the supportive wife, answer back "What?! You want to sing a solo? Ok, I will tell Tom." :o) He loved that. Anywho, he was nervous... I was not. I love singing!

So we started a couple songs. I sat next to the beautiful Aud Lugo so I could hear her wonderful alto voice (even though she normally sings soprano). About half way through the song I started thinking... man, I kinda suck. I don't know ANY of the alto parts. Then I got to thinking... I don't know very many alto parts at all. What do I do during morning worship? Well... I sing the melody (which is usually the soprano part) but sing it in a lower key... almost like a tenor. I just follow what Tom does. Man, he is too good of a worship leader.

So I didn't sing much. I tried learning the alto part, but it was hard since I sat next to the tenors and I could hear the sopranos clearly from across the living room. But, it will be nice learning the different parts to sing during worship. Well, at least I am still being lifted up, that is all the matters... right? :o)

It will never be the same again

I haven't spoken to my mom ever since our argument. I've talked to my dad several times, but not my mom. I have this feeling that our little fight wasn't like the many we've had before... sure this time she didn't spit on me (which she did earlier this year) but still. Some how I know that things will never be the same again.

I've always tried to understand my mom and be sensitive to her problems. If there was ever anything going on at home, we would go out and spend some girl time together... I'd take her to the gardens that she loved so much, we'd go shopping, to the art museum, I took her around Dallas and Ft. Worth so she'd get used to living in Texas, I'd stop by to see her at work, etc. etc. etc.! I love my mom... still do...respect her because she is my mom, but that is it. I've lost all respect for her as a woman, a Christian, and even as a person. And I just don't think I can have the same relationship or same respect for her.

You think that is bad of me? I feel like I should pull the "Christian" card and tell myself that I need to be nicer to her because she has her own emotional problems. I should suck it up and be the bigger person. I feel like I need to be her friend because she doesn't have many. I feel like I need to support her through this rough time because we are family. But I also know it is not my responsibility. But where do I draw the line? And when do I say, my sanity is more important... my future is more important, I don't need you as an example of what kind of wife/woman to be so I don't need to be around you as much.

I called my dad today because I haven't heard from him in a while. We talked for about half an hour, and it was the same 'ol same 'ol. He was afraid of my mom having control of all the money because he doesn't know whats going on. He also talked about going away. He has talked a lot about up and leaving, going back to Oregon or vacationing til he dies in Florida. Then he asked me if I would take my mom in while him and my brother go away. HA HA. That was a big fat NO.

I feel bad for my dad, because I know he just wants to live out the rest of his days in peace... enjoying life... not being yelled at, cursed at, and belittled everyday. Heck, that is one of the reasons why I got out of my parents house as soon as I could... there is no way I could put up with their bickering anymore. It is also probably one of the reasons why I got married so young too. So I understand. I don't want him living with that either... but there just doesn't seem to be many other options.

He could move in with us... I wouldn't mind that a whole lot but that would mean that I would have to quit school and work to take care of him full time and I don't really want to post-pone school any longer (Yea 7- year plan!). My mom would have to move somewhere... probably back to Oregon with a family member.
We could put him in a retirement community/nursing home type thing, but that would cost a lot of money... out of his social security income, which is all they have. What would my mom do for money, rent, food, etc? They struggle as it is.
My dad could leave like he keeps dreaming about, taking my brother with him... spending all their money...leaving my mom with none. He probably wouldn't go to the doctor like he should, something would happen to him and we would never know (We moved them to Texas so that they would be closer in case something did happen to him, we could help without it being so stressful).
Or we could do nothing, my mom continues to verbally (and I am afraid it may become physical someday) abuse him, they struggle with finances, and Jake and I have to swoop in and "save the day" every couple months. How horrible of a life is that? Not only for us but for the both of them!

I feel like there is no solution and nothing I can do. I'd love to sit down and talk about it all but there is no way my mom will listen. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong! How can anything change? You know, I am so tempted to call Adult Protection Services and tell them about how she is abusing my dad so something would have to happen... but I know that wouldn't be a solution either. But just the thought, I could do it... my mom is that bad. I could call and they would take him away from her. It is like a parent abusing their child.

Anyway, these are just the thoughts running through my mind today. God definitely has a plan for us and them... He really does. I just don't know what it is. And I really think he is trying to break the cycle with me... after all this, I hope my children don't go through the same things. I do know that because of this, I have become a stronger person. So it is not all in vain. I just wish I knew what to do.

Shleepy

Every morning when I wake up and every evening when Jake comes home, he asks me how I am feeling. My response for the past week and a half has been...shleepy(I add the "h" only because I like to make words sound silly... its a hobby). School has only been in for... one week and two days (and counting... only 80 more days!) and I am already exhausted!

I know that there are a lot of you who wake up at 6am everyday, manage a busy work day among other things, and still come home...cook some dinner and spend time with the fam. How do you do it all? I am ready for bed at 9pm! What was I thinking in having 8am classes Monday-Thursday, I mean really?!? Maybe when we get into the swing of things, it will be better.

This past weekend we were dog sitting for my boss Cherry. Chopper, a very hairy medium sized dog, got to spend several nights at our house. We had a lot of fun playing ball, going for walks, and taking afternoon naps. Chopper and I have been good friends for a while now, seeming how I visit his house at least once a week. However, Jake and Chopper didn't get off to a great start. As soon as Jake came home Thursday night from work, Chopper greeted him at the door with growls. That night as we were getting ready for bed, Choppy laid down on Jake's side of the bed... as if he was guarding the bed! When Jake walked up, Choppy growled as if he was saying "Don't you even think about getting into bed with her!" What a good guard dog! :o)
Chopper later warmed up to Jake, of course after they played catch together at the park
Here is a picture of a dog similar to Chopper:

Now I have to go home a vacuum my whole house of all the black chunks of dog hair.

Saturday we had a fun day. Because I am such an amazing wife (sometimes), I bought my wonderful husband tickets to the Texas vs. Florida Atlantic game. We try to go once a year to a game... usually a non-conference game because conference games are SOOO expensive. If you don't know my husband... he is a BIG Longhorns fan. Which I always thought was a little silly, since he didn't actually attend UT (he graduated from David Lipscomb University and UTA). But... apparently that doesn't really matter.
Jake had a great time... singing all the songs, yelling at the defense to be better against the pass, and eating stadium hot dogs.


Oh and Texas won, 52-10... or something like that.

I don't think I have much else to report right now... and I probably should pay attention to class... yes, I am in class. I know, shame on me. :o)

Doubt and Insecurities

Today is the third day of classes. The first two days were full of syllabi's and needed materials, which by the way, if you ever want to major in art you first might want to win the lottery... it is SO expensive!!

Anyway, yesterday I kind of went through a melt down because I have been doubting my artistic abilities. I have always been good at art... elementary school-high school and even in all my foundation classes in college, I have at least been one of the top 5 better artist. So I was a little nervous going into my intermediate painting class, it is no longer foundations... this is a class where all the students are painting majors. I went into this class knowing that I may not be one of the top but in fact I may be one of the worst.

Well, I started this class off being late. I hate being late! And especially to the first class, I feel like I've already missed a ton of information. My teacher was going over the syllabus and all the materials we need for class. I am sitting looking over the paper in my hand and thinking... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? (This is not a good thing to be thinking.) What are supports? What is cradled Masonite? What am I doing? Okay... we are building our own canvases... cool! I don't know how to do that... I need to buy all the supplies? Where do I get those? How much do I need? Bring your own painting supplies? I have paints... what colors do I need? Can you be more specific? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!

Ha ha, you should have seen me today at Asel Art (art store in town... awesome). I was looking for more "professional" paint brushes because I have destroyed my cheap ones...anywhoit was ridiculous! I wish I would have taken a picture of this wall of paint brushes! I was so confused! There were so many different brushes to choose from, different brands, different uses... which ones to buy?!?! I mean seriously? I almost had a break down there! I finally just grabbed about 7 different sizes and tips.

Okay, so not knowing vocabulary and which brushes are best isn't something that is going to kill my painting career. I will learn all that... and I may look like a fool in front of everyone else in class who have own studio (stinking people who know more than me)... but I will get there. My fear is that, what if I am just a hobby painter? Sure I can paint something and it looks great, it looks real... but do I have the creativity to be a professional painter? Our teacher made it clear to us that there is a difference between being able to draw or paint something that looks real... she called that "skill" not "art". And those who have the "skill" are just hobby painters, you have to have something more to be an artist. Well... what if I don't have it? This is my major!

It is kind of scary to go into this not knowing what the outcome will be. And I guess I am more scared because I haven't had the opportunity to prove to myself that I do have it... the creativity and pzazzSo we will see this semester how it goes. Hopefully I don't fail! He he. :o)

Back to the grind

Welp, it is back to school for most of the Metroplex... including me!

It is always an interesting feeling wandering the halls of UTA (University of Texas at Arlington). I am 23 years old (as of tomorrow!!), married, and own my own house. How many of the students around me can say that? Maybe a few. It is still a weird feeling being in college but not living like I am.

I actually kind of miss those days... living in the dorms, missing class to sleep in, and the most important thing on my mind is getting tickets for the football game on Saturday.

But then again... I cannot wait until I get out!!! This is the start of my 6th year in school. Yep, I am on the 7 year plan. But my classes are pretty good this year... Clay, Painting, Digital Design, Japanese Art History.

Happy first day back to school everyone!!

Toilet papering and taping the next door neighbor's door. Good times. :o)

I don't really want to explain...

But I will.
Last night Jake thought it would be a good idea to go to my parents place and talk to them... about finances but also about their behavior and attitude. WONDERFUL. Perfect time to go... when I am already emotionally stressed from a prior visit. I guess Jake didn't think it would be very bad but I already knew that it would be tough for me to hold back any feelings I have.

So that's basically what happened... we went, we fought, and I cried.
My dad was in the bath when we got there. When he got out, there were plenty of demands my mom made of him... turn off the lights! No, don't turn off the fan! Where are you going? You don't need to go over to the other bathroom! You only need to use one bathroom! And on and on and on. Later, Jake had said something about how they both need to be better to each other. He said some thing to my mom about not yelling at my dad... he said it very gently and nicely and of course my mom had to go into defense mode... I don't yell! (As she raises her voice) I wasn't yelling earlier! Yea... whatever.

That is when I lost it and basically started yelling at her all the things I've been thinking. No, I wasn't very nice but I really wouldn't take it back. In fact, I wish I could have collected all my words beforehand so they would have been more poignant. Is that bad??
So, as I was saying all these things to her... how horrible she treated her husband, etc. she then proceeded to yell at me that I am her daughter and she is not taking ANY advice from me... that I don't have the right to teach her anything or counsel her. She was not hearing anything I say and then she pointed to the door and said get out.

Well, I didn't get out. We continued on. My dad asked her who then, would teach her if he could not. She matter of factly said that she doesn't need to be taught anything. As God as her witness, she says, she tries her hardest and does her best. I asked her about calling my dad a moron and treating him like a child. She said, well that's what he is and that I don't understand what its like to take care of someone who is sick... you have to treat them like that. OH REALLY?
And that's when she walked off saying she doesn't have to put up with any of my bull.

Sadly, I do not believe that this woman will EVER change. It is hard enough to change your habits and character after so many years, but basically impossible to change when you don't think that there is anything wrong with you.

My mom wasn't always like this, maybe a little but not all the time. And now that I've seen her in this way, I don't think I can ever go back to the way I thought of her before. I've seen this coming though. For the past couple of years it has been harder and harder for me to write nice Mother's Day cards to her. I'd always write something encouraging, loving, etc. because I knew that's what she needed... she was so insecure. But I just can't do that anymore, I don't feel those things toward her. But then again... is it really my job to make my mom feel better about herself? Shouldn't she feel good because she is God's child, because she did the best she could as a mother, because she can look at my life and know that she didn't (completely) ruin me? I don't know.

All I know is that I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

And just a thank you to Jake for being so supportive and loving in the aftermath. Him and his never ceasing patience and positive outlook on my parents situation has been one of the main things that has helped me get through this. God really blessed me with the perfect man for my life and situation.

I take it back.

I'm not sorry.

Mixed feelings

I feel like I am on the Titan... the scary (actually I LOVE it) roller coaster at 6 Flags.
Today I stopped by at my parent's place to say HI. I haven't seen them in a few days, and it seems like after 4-5 days they flip if I don't see them.
Anywho, so it was confirmed that my dad was upset with me. It is kind of a weird feeling to not feel bad when my dad is angry at me. It used to kill me growing up when he's scowl me. Leisha told me something today that kind of put it in perspective. It is just like when you have kids of your own, you have to do what is best for them even if they do not like it. It is funny to think of my parents like that. It feels like not that long ago I was sneaking out of the house late at night. Ha ha.

Also, I watched my mom doing her hair and makeup for work... she was sweating and a little panicky trying to get everything done... frustrated that her hair needs another perm, but she doesn't have the money. She complained about stomach aches, diarrhea, etc. all because she is so stressed out with their finances. I feel bad for her! I love my mom and hate to see her so worked up, ready to cry at a drop of a hat because she is so emotionally tired. I sympathize with her because I would be the same way... in fact, I am the same way when I have to try to deal with our own financial short comes. How can I not feel sorry for her? I wanna hug her and tell her it will be okay... I wanna get a massage for her so she can relax... I wanna... WAIT. Wasn't it just the other day that I was mad at her and crying because I am like her? Wasn't I just shuddering at the thought of just being in her presence??

Gosh, I HATE this feeling!! One minute I am angry at her (and them) and the next I want to swoop in and save them. I can't find a middle ground and I think that is what kills me the most...being an emotional wreck. I can't handle it. Gah!

Weekend Escape

This weekend Jake and I took a quick trip to Oregon for a friend's wedding.

We had a really good time visiting old friends and my family. We stayed at my sister's in Keizer. Keizer is a suburb of Salem, the state capital. It is also about 15 minutes away from Woodburn, the town I grew up in. As we hung out in Keizer for most of the weekend, Jake and I noticed how nice a slow things are there. Arlington technically isn't a very large city and may not be as fast paced as someplace like New York but I still feel like we live in the fast lane. So, it was a nice change of pace. Plus, I love soaking up Oregon fresh air, the trees, and the beautiful mountains.

I got a chance to hang out with one of my really good friends from middle and high school, Amanda.

Amanda and I have been planning on getting tattoos together (yes I know they are permanent!). So, last Saturday we finally did! And let me tell you... it hurt. Technically it is not my first but this time, it was on my foot! At first, it was like... ok, this isn't all that bad. Then it became like, oh... Oh... OH!

Ladybug!

So after our tattoos, Jake and I drove out to Green Peter's Reservoir to meet my sister and her family on their boat. Oh, I was so nice to be able to be out on a boat again! A lot of my great childhood memories are from being out on the lake with the boat. It felt like we went out every weekend during the summer. Anywho... Jake and I got to take a ride on the intertube (even though I am not supposed to get my tat wet... oops). Here is Jake with my nephew Nathan.

And when I say lake... this is what I think of lake being like.... Beautiful mountains trees and deep clear waters.

So while we were staying with my sister (half sister- from my dad's previous marriage, for those of you thinking... Tanya doesn't have sisters!), we updated her on all the family stuff. We also made sure to tell them NOT to lend my parents any money, which my dad had already called her the previous day asking for some. That is the last thing my parents need... not because they don't need the money, they do, but it isn't going to teach them anything. They've already borrowed a lot of money from people before and they just go on getting themselves into debt, they don't change. So, my sister said no and I don't think my dad is very happy. Actually, he is not very happy with me.

I called earlier today and I think I overheard him trying to convince my mom not to give him the phone. It really doesn't bother me too much because I know we are doing to right thing. They need to learn to make it on their own... the right way. I think the next step is to teach my mom how to grocery shop, funny thought hu? I just don't understand why you would buy something like honey oat, whole wheat bread when you only have the money to buy the store brand white bread.

As far as my mom, I've just been trying to keep my distance and the topic of conversation off of finances. But thanks to everyone who's called and emailed me about it. I really appreciate the support, even if the words do make me cry! :o)