Doubt and Insecurities

Today is the third day of classes. The first two days were full of syllabi's and needed materials, which by the way, if you ever want to major in art you first might want to win the lottery... it is SO expensive!!

Anyway, yesterday I kind of went through a melt down because I have been doubting my artistic abilities. I have always been good at art... elementary school-high school and even in all my foundation classes in college, I have at least been one of the top 5 better artist. So I was a little nervous going into my intermediate painting class, it is no longer foundations... this is a class where all the students are painting majors. I went into this class knowing that I may not be one of the top but in fact I may be one of the worst.

Well, I started this class off being late. I hate being late! And especially to the first class, I feel like I've already missed a ton of information. My teacher was going over the syllabus and all the materials we need for class. I am sitting looking over the paper in my hand and thinking... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? (This is not a good thing to be thinking.) What are supports? What is cradled Masonite? What am I doing? Okay... we are building our own canvases... cool! I don't know how to do that... I need to buy all the supplies? Where do I get those? How much do I need? Bring your own painting supplies? I have paints... what colors do I need? Can you be more specific? TOO MANY QUESTIONS!

Ha ha, you should have seen me today at Asel Art (art store in town... awesome). I was looking for more "professional" paint brushes because I have destroyed my cheap ones...anywhoit was ridiculous! I wish I would have taken a picture of this wall of paint brushes! I was so confused! There were so many different brushes to choose from, different brands, different uses... which ones to buy?!?! I mean seriously? I almost had a break down there! I finally just grabbed about 7 different sizes and tips.

Okay, so not knowing vocabulary and which brushes are best isn't something that is going to kill my painting career. I will learn all that... and I may look like a fool in front of everyone else in class who have own studio (stinking people who know more than me)... but I will get there. My fear is that, what if I am just a hobby painter? Sure I can paint something and it looks great, it looks real... but do I have the creativity to be a professional painter? Our teacher made it clear to us that there is a difference between being able to draw or paint something that looks real... she called that "skill" not "art". And those who have the "skill" are just hobby painters, you have to have something more to be an artist. Well... what if I don't have it? This is my major!

It is kind of scary to go into this not knowing what the outcome will be. And I guess I am more scared because I haven't had the opportunity to prove to myself that I do have it... the creativity and pzazzSo we will see this semester how it goes. Hopefully I don't fail! He he. :o)

Back to the grind

Welp, it is back to school for most of the Metroplex... including me!

It is always an interesting feeling wandering the halls of UTA (University of Texas at Arlington). I am 23 years old (as of tomorrow!!), married, and own my own house. How many of the students around me can say that? Maybe a few. It is still a weird feeling being in college but not living like I am.

I actually kind of miss those days... living in the dorms, missing class to sleep in, and the most important thing on my mind is getting tickets for the football game on Saturday.

But then again... I cannot wait until I get out!!! This is the start of my 6th year in school. Yep, I am on the 7 year plan. But my classes are pretty good this year... Clay, Painting, Digital Design, Japanese Art History.

Happy first day back to school everyone!!

Toilet papering and taping the next door neighbor's door. Good times. :o)

I don't really want to explain...

But I will.
Last night Jake thought it would be a good idea to go to my parents place and talk to them... about finances but also about their behavior and attitude. WONDERFUL. Perfect time to go... when I am already emotionally stressed from a prior visit. I guess Jake didn't think it would be very bad but I already knew that it would be tough for me to hold back any feelings I have.

So that's basically what happened... we went, we fought, and I cried.
My dad was in the bath when we got there. When he got out, there were plenty of demands my mom made of him... turn off the lights! No, don't turn off the fan! Where are you going? You don't need to go over to the other bathroom! You only need to use one bathroom! And on and on and on. Later, Jake had said something about how they both need to be better to each other. He said some thing to my mom about not yelling at my dad... he said it very gently and nicely and of course my mom had to go into defense mode... I don't yell! (As she raises her voice) I wasn't yelling earlier! Yea... whatever.

That is when I lost it and basically started yelling at her all the things I've been thinking. No, I wasn't very nice but I really wouldn't take it back. In fact, I wish I could have collected all my words beforehand so they would have been more poignant. Is that bad??
So, as I was saying all these things to her... how horrible she treated her husband, etc. she then proceeded to yell at me that I am her daughter and she is not taking ANY advice from me... that I don't have the right to teach her anything or counsel her. She was not hearing anything I say and then she pointed to the door and said get out.

Well, I didn't get out. We continued on. My dad asked her who then, would teach her if he could not. She matter of factly said that she doesn't need to be taught anything. As God as her witness, she says, she tries her hardest and does her best. I asked her about calling my dad a moron and treating him like a child. She said, well that's what he is and that I don't understand what its like to take care of someone who is sick... you have to treat them like that. OH REALLY?
And that's when she walked off saying she doesn't have to put up with any of my bull.

Sadly, I do not believe that this woman will EVER change. It is hard enough to change your habits and character after so many years, but basically impossible to change when you don't think that there is anything wrong with you.

My mom wasn't always like this, maybe a little but not all the time. And now that I've seen her in this way, I don't think I can ever go back to the way I thought of her before. I've seen this coming though. For the past couple of years it has been harder and harder for me to write nice Mother's Day cards to her. I'd always write something encouraging, loving, etc. because I knew that's what she needed... she was so insecure. But I just can't do that anymore, I don't feel those things toward her. But then again... is it really my job to make my mom feel better about herself? Shouldn't she feel good because she is God's child, because she did the best she could as a mother, because she can look at my life and know that she didn't (completely) ruin me? I don't know.

All I know is that I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

And just a thank you to Jake for being so supportive and loving in the aftermath. Him and his never ceasing patience and positive outlook on my parents situation has been one of the main things that has helped me get through this. God really blessed me with the perfect man for my life and situation.

I take it back.

I'm not sorry.

Mixed feelings

I feel like I am on the Titan... the scary (actually I LOVE it) roller coaster at 6 Flags.
Today I stopped by at my parent's place to say HI. I haven't seen them in a few days, and it seems like after 4-5 days they flip if I don't see them.
Anywho, so it was confirmed that my dad was upset with me. It is kind of a weird feeling to not feel bad when my dad is angry at me. It used to kill me growing up when he's scowl me. Leisha told me something today that kind of put it in perspective. It is just like when you have kids of your own, you have to do what is best for them even if they do not like it. It is funny to think of my parents like that. It feels like not that long ago I was sneaking out of the house late at night. Ha ha.

Also, I watched my mom doing her hair and makeup for work... she was sweating and a little panicky trying to get everything done... frustrated that her hair needs another perm, but she doesn't have the money. She complained about stomach aches, diarrhea, etc. all because she is so stressed out with their finances. I feel bad for her! I love my mom and hate to see her so worked up, ready to cry at a drop of a hat because she is so emotionally tired. I sympathize with her because I would be the same way... in fact, I am the same way when I have to try to deal with our own financial short comes. How can I not feel sorry for her? I wanna hug her and tell her it will be okay... I wanna get a massage for her so she can relax... I wanna... WAIT. Wasn't it just the other day that I was mad at her and crying because I am like her? Wasn't I just shuddering at the thought of just being in her presence??

Gosh, I HATE this feeling!! One minute I am angry at her (and them) and the next I want to swoop in and save them. I can't find a middle ground and I think that is what kills me the most...being an emotional wreck. I can't handle it. Gah!

Weekend Escape

This weekend Jake and I took a quick trip to Oregon for a friend's wedding.

We had a really good time visiting old friends and my family. We stayed at my sister's in Keizer. Keizer is a suburb of Salem, the state capital. It is also about 15 minutes away from Woodburn, the town I grew up in. As we hung out in Keizer for most of the weekend, Jake and I noticed how nice a slow things are there. Arlington technically isn't a very large city and may not be as fast paced as someplace like New York but I still feel like we live in the fast lane. So, it was a nice change of pace. Plus, I love soaking up Oregon fresh air, the trees, and the beautiful mountains.

I got a chance to hang out with one of my really good friends from middle and high school, Amanda.

Amanda and I have been planning on getting tattoos together (yes I know they are permanent!). So, last Saturday we finally did! And let me tell you... it hurt. Technically it is not my first but this time, it was on my foot! At first, it was like... ok, this isn't all that bad. Then it became like, oh... Oh... OH!

Ladybug!

So after our tattoos, Jake and I drove out to Green Peter's Reservoir to meet my sister and her family on their boat. Oh, I was so nice to be able to be out on a boat again! A lot of my great childhood memories are from being out on the lake with the boat. It felt like we went out every weekend during the summer. Anywho... Jake and I got to take a ride on the intertube (even though I am not supposed to get my tat wet... oops). Here is Jake with my nephew Nathan.

And when I say lake... this is what I think of lake being like.... Beautiful mountains trees and deep clear waters.

So while we were staying with my sister (half sister- from my dad's previous marriage, for those of you thinking... Tanya doesn't have sisters!), we updated her on all the family stuff. We also made sure to tell them NOT to lend my parents any money, which my dad had already called her the previous day asking for some. That is the last thing my parents need... not because they don't need the money, they do, but it isn't going to teach them anything. They've already borrowed a lot of money from people before and they just go on getting themselves into debt, they don't change. So, my sister said no and I don't think my dad is very happy. Actually, he is not very happy with me.

I called earlier today and I think I overheard him trying to convince my mom not to give him the phone. It really doesn't bother me too much because I know we are doing to right thing. They need to learn to make it on their own... the right way. I think the next step is to teach my mom how to grocery shop, funny thought hu? I just don't understand why you would buy something like honey oat, whole wheat bread when you only have the money to buy the store brand white bread.

As far as my mom, I've just been trying to keep my distance and the topic of conversation off of finances. But thanks to everyone who's called and emailed me about it. I really appreciate the support, even if the words do make me cry! :o)

Nature vs Nurture

So...
My mom.
What can I say about my mom? Not very many good things. Unfortunately.
Today my dad called me and asked me what was going on with my mom because she was upset, crying, and had yelled some pretty mean things at him. So I talked to her, briefly. I asked her if she was OK, she said no... that she couldn't handle all this stress (financial things) anymore and that she didn't want to be around anymore (meaning she didn't want to be alive anymore). Now, it isn't the first time I've heard this from her, so I wasn't too surprised but it is always stressful and emotional when you hear that your mother wishes she was dead.

The point of this story is that I've recently have realized just how mean my mom is. Today my dad was slow, like a normal Alzheimer's patient is. She got mad at him for it, then he asked what she was upset at and she yelled at him to get out and that she didn't want to see him anymore... ever. What a nice thing to say to your spouse of 25+ years, who also has many physical and mental problems. It made me think of just how UGLY my mom is. That is the only good word I can think of... UGLY.

Now, the worst part of this story is that lately I've realized that I act like my mom at times. Jake and I had an argument this past week, of course about something petty, and the way I acted toward him and treated him... just like my mom. I started crying that night because it was a horrible realization. Then today we chatted a bit with my dad while my mom was a church (ironic hu?) and he started listing off all the things my mom does... and Jake basically finished his sentences because that is exactly what I do when I get mad. Slap in the face! How horrible is that? I think my mom is one of the ugliest people I know (how sad hu?) and I have some of the same tendencies she does.

Another scary thing... Jake asked me earlier if I thought my mom was always that way and I am just now realizing it or she just started. I think that she had her moments in the past where she'd act like this, but now it is just all the time (I mean, literally ALL the time. There is nothing nice that comes out of her mouth when she is at home). Knowing this, my mind is thinking and praying that that will not be me... every now and then I get real mad and act mean and ugly then someday it will become my whole personality. I hope not!

I have a lot of love and respect for my mom. She taught me so many things in my life (both because of what she has done well and that that she has not done well) and has helped shape the person I've become. I just can't understand how a person becomes like her. Especially since she is one of the most dedicated persons I know... she reads her bible almost everyday and back in Oregon she would write lengthy notes of Sunday morning service then go and buy the tape and listen to it (and write more notes) later in the week. She would always (and actually still does) get on my case about not always listening to Christian music on the radio and having and what she calls idols (Japanese souvenirs) in our home. Yet she has so much hate, spite, etc. in her. I guess that would be the definition of a pharisee?

And I don't know how to approach her with all of this. I have been so tired, stressed, worn emotionally dealing with my family's problems that I feel like if I even begin a conversation with my mom about this, I would just end up yelling at her that I thought she was the ugliest person I know. Ha, that would not end very well. I can't even think about this without crying, it is so frustrating.

Pray for me... something to the extent of "God, please don't let Tanya end up being like her mother."
*Also keep in mind... this is just the the emotional side of the family problems... they...we are still struggling financially.

Smile Award

The Smile Award

Sweet, fun Rachel Varney awarded me with the smile award. Thanks for thinking of me!
Gosh, I don't even know where to begin about Rachel. She is definitely one of my favorite people I know. She loves so many things: art, music... musicals, kids, God, her husband, etc. She inspires me to be more passionate about life. Her laugh and smile always brightens my day!





These are the rules:
1. The recipient must link back to the awards creator the babblings of mere
2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.
3. You must chose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself
4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award, as posted by Mere.
5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.
6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.
7. You must thank your giver.
Characteristics for the Smile Award:
1. Must display a cheerful attitude. (not necessarily at all times--we are all human)
2. Must love one another
3. Must make mistakes
4. Must learn from others
5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world
6. Must love life
7. Must love kids


Ok, so being fairly new to this whole blog world... I don't know many people who still update their blog, but I will try my best to get 5 people.

1.) Andrea http://andrea-mominterrupted.blogspot.com/
Andrea has to be the first one here, because I absolutely LOVE reading her blog! She is an amazing writer, but not only that but and amazing person. You can tell how much she loves her kids, husband and friends. Her blog is one of the ones I have to check everyday and it always puts a smile on my face. She also came up with the idea to create a blog for the women at our church: http://www.woodlandwestwomen.blogspot.com/ What a great idea! What a great woman!

2.) Amy http://amytindell.blogspot.com/
Oh Amy. I love it when I see Amy because she usually has a huge smile on her face. I can just image it now, her face lights up and I can hear the big "HI" in a high pitched voice that her and her sister do oh so well. Amy is another person who just loves to laugh! Her and Rachel together can brighten anyone's day with their humor and wit. I appreciate Amy's influence in my life, she is a role model to me... in her marriage, how good of a friend she is to others, and her relationship with God.

3.) Ainsley http://randyspells.blogspot.com/
I appreciate Randy and Ainsley flying from Tenn. to Oregon for our wedding two years ago. They were both a big help. Although we don't get to see them a whole lot, I love keeping up to date with their blog. I love when Ainsley posts all of Ammie's famous sayings. They make me laugh and gets me excited for when Jake and I will have our little ones around the house saying rediculous things. Thanks for making me smile!!

Okay, so I mustered up 3. How sad for me! :op

Craft Time

We had a couple repair men come out today, one to fix the disposal and the other to fix our range. Since their estimated time was between 10am-2pm, I've had some time to finish up a couple of my projects.

Here is the latest... my coffee table (two end tables coming soon).

Things to be thankful for...

1.) Friends.

We had 9 guys come out to help Jake work in our backyard on Saturday. Nine! They worked anywhere from 8am-2pm, digging holes, shoveling gravel, breaking up concrete, moving brick, and a whole lot of other things. Our backyard looked terrible when we first bought it... and now it only looks slightly terrible. :o) We are very lucky that so many people like Jake enough to come out on their weekend and work outside on a 105 degree day!

And of course I can't forget Amy and Rachel who came and helped me paint our master bedroom. It is a beautiful chocolate brown!

2.) Air Conditioning.

For those of you who don't live in Texas... it has been HOT! 100-108 for the past couple of weeks! Today and yesterday we have been in a heat advisory... which means that they advise people not to be outside for a long period of time because it is so hot and the heat index is even hotter! That never happened in Oregon! Ha ha.

But, however I am thankful for the AC in our house, my car still does not have AC!! Which leads me to my number 3.

3.) My husband.

He is so good to me. On the hot days... he takes my little clunker and sweats everywhere he goes.

And, I haven't had a mental breakdown thinking about my parents in the past couple of weeks. Jake has been doing a stand up job keeping them on track. And surprisingly, my parents (especially my mom) has been very willing to listen to him and do everything he asks. Shocking.

Gosh, I love my husband (plus... hes so handsome!).

4.) Amy.

Amy Tindall wanted to invite Rachel and I over to hang out at their house in Grandbury before the chaos of school started again (plus, Brian is out of state of a couple days on work). We couldn't work anything out because of work and the rest of busyness. But she had the idea for us to come over Sunday night, stay the night and then I'd go into work Monday afternoon.

Now, I haven't spent the night at someone's house... without a reason (travel, etc.) since high school! So it was like a little slumber party. We didn't stay up late giggling and talking about boys, but it was very refreshing to be able to do something like that just for fun.

So, thanks Amy!