I don't really want to explain...

But I will.
Last night Jake thought it would be a good idea to go to my parents place and talk to them... about finances but also about their behavior and attitude. WONDERFUL. Perfect time to go... when I am already emotionally stressed from a prior visit. I guess Jake didn't think it would be very bad but I already knew that it would be tough for me to hold back any feelings I have.

So that's basically what happened... we went, we fought, and I cried.
My dad was in the bath when we got there. When he got out, there were plenty of demands my mom made of him... turn off the lights! No, don't turn off the fan! Where are you going? You don't need to go over to the other bathroom! You only need to use one bathroom! And on and on and on. Later, Jake had said something about how they both need to be better to each other. He said some thing to my mom about not yelling at my dad... he said it very gently and nicely and of course my mom had to go into defense mode... I don't yell! (As she raises her voice) I wasn't yelling earlier! Yea... whatever.

That is when I lost it and basically started yelling at her all the things I've been thinking. No, I wasn't very nice but I really wouldn't take it back. In fact, I wish I could have collected all my words beforehand so they would have been more poignant. Is that bad??
So, as I was saying all these things to her... how horrible she treated her husband, etc. she then proceeded to yell at me that I am her daughter and she is not taking ANY advice from me... that I don't have the right to teach her anything or counsel her. She was not hearing anything I say and then she pointed to the door and said get out.

Well, I didn't get out. We continued on. My dad asked her who then, would teach her if he could not. She matter of factly said that she doesn't need to be taught anything. As God as her witness, she says, she tries her hardest and does her best. I asked her about calling my dad a moron and treating him like a child. She said, well that's what he is and that I don't understand what its like to take care of someone who is sick... you have to treat them like that. OH REALLY?
And that's when she walked off saying she doesn't have to put up with any of my bull.

Sadly, I do not believe that this woman will EVER change. It is hard enough to change your habits and character after so many years, but basically impossible to change when you don't think that there is anything wrong with you.

My mom wasn't always like this, maybe a little but not all the time. And now that I've seen her in this way, I don't think I can ever go back to the way I thought of her before. I've seen this coming though. For the past couple of years it has been harder and harder for me to write nice Mother's Day cards to her. I'd always write something encouraging, loving, etc. because I knew that's what she needed... she was so insecure. But I just can't do that anymore, I don't feel those things toward her. But then again... is it really my job to make my mom feel better about herself? Shouldn't she feel good because she is God's child, because she did the best she could as a mother, because she can look at my life and know that she didn't (completely) ruin me? I don't know.

All I know is that I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

And just a thank you to Jake for being so supportive and loving in the aftermath. Him and his never ceasing patience and positive outlook on my parents situation has been one of the main things that has helped me get through this. God really blessed me with the perfect man for my life and situation.