Nature vs Nurture

So...
My mom.
What can I say about my mom? Not very many good things. Unfortunately.
Today my dad called me and asked me what was going on with my mom because she was upset, crying, and had yelled some pretty mean things at him. So I talked to her, briefly. I asked her if she was OK, she said no... that she couldn't handle all this stress (financial things) anymore and that she didn't want to be around anymore (meaning she didn't want to be alive anymore). Now, it isn't the first time I've heard this from her, so I wasn't too surprised but it is always stressful and emotional when you hear that your mother wishes she was dead.

The point of this story is that I've recently have realized just how mean my mom is. Today my dad was slow, like a normal Alzheimer's patient is. She got mad at him for it, then he asked what she was upset at and she yelled at him to get out and that she didn't want to see him anymore... ever. What a nice thing to say to your spouse of 25+ years, who also has many physical and mental problems. It made me think of just how UGLY my mom is. That is the only good word I can think of... UGLY.

Now, the worst part of this story is that lately I've realized that I act like my mom at times. Jake and I had an argument this past week, of course about something petty, and the way I acted toward him and treated him... just like my mom. I started crying that night because it was a horrible realization. Then today we chatted a bit with my dad while my mom was a church (ironic hu?) and he started listing off all the things my mom does... and Jake basically finished his sentences because that is exactly what I do when I get mad. Slap in the face! How horrible is that? I think my mom is one of the ugliest people I know (how sad hu?) and I have some of the same tendencies she does.

Another scary thing... Jake asked me earlier if I thought my mom was always that way and I am just now realizing it or she just started. I think that she had her moments in the past where she'd act like this, but now it is just all the time (I mean, literally ALL the time. There is nothing nice that comes out of her mouth when she is at home). Knowing this, my mind is thinking and praying that that will not be me... every now and then I get real mad and act mean and ugly then someday it will become my whole personality. I hope not!

I have a lot of love and respect for my mom. She taught me so many things in my life (both because of what she has done well and that that she has not done well) and has helped shape the person I've become. I just can't understand how a person becomes like her. Especially since she is one of the most dedicated persons I know... she reads her bible almost everyday and back in Oregon she would write lengthy notes of Sunday morning service then go and buy the tape and listen to it (and write more notes) later in the week. She would always (and actually still does) get on my case about not always listening to Christian music on the radio and having and what she calls idols (Japanese souvenirs) in our home. Yet she has so much hate, spite, etc. in her. I guess that would be the definition of a pharisee?

And I don't know how to approach her with all of this. I have been so tired, stressed, worn emotionally dealing with my family's problems that I feel like if I even begin a conversation with my mom about this, I would just end up yelling at her that I thought she was the ugliest person I know. Ha, that would not end very well. I can't even think about this without crying, it is so frustrating.

Pray for me... something to the extent of "God, please don't let Tanya end up being like her mother."
*Also keep in mind... this is just the the emotional side of the family problems... they...we are still struggling financially.